Today is also ending--
at the bottom of the snowstorm
the gigantic sun

---Arō

____________________________
early commute
moon dancing in the ice
of car window


any suggetsions?

6 comments:

Alan Summers said...

One big suggestion to everyone is to check for typos and bad spelling and syntax.

We'll all guilty, rushing out material! ;-)

e.g.

early commute
moon dancing in the ice
of car window

any suggetsions?


Should read:

early commute
a moon dances in the ice
of the car window

early commute
the moon dances in the ice
of a car window

early commute
the moon dances
in a car window


any suggestions?


Strict poetry magazines will disqualify any of us who don't make use of good syntax, word order, and good spelling practice, so there! ;-)

Alan

Gabi Greve said...

aaa, tontoism ...

Alan Summers said...

Hi Reihaisha,

As you know, I like a lot of your work, and this is good, it just needs tightening up.

Always run a checklist including where and when to add definite and indefinite articles etc...

Keep the good work up! ;-)

Alan

diana l. said...

I tend to use the progressive tense a fair amount, I think because that is how I experience things - as somehow ongoing in the moment. I don't quite understand what would be wrong with using "dancing" in this haiku. It seems to me that there is an implied dash after "commute", no?

Alan Summers said...

Hi Diana! ;-)

"I tend to use the progressive tense a fair amount, I think because that is how I experience things - as somehow ongoing in the moment.

Nothing wrong with that, but some moments surely pass? I might be on a fast train seeing something out the window for instance.


I don't quite understand what would be wrong with using "dancing" in this haiku.

There isn't. I meant to address the typos and absent articles. ;-)


It seems to me that there is an implied dash after "commute", no?"


Interesting point. I thought so too, but if you do the one line test you'll see otherwise:

early commute moon dancing in the ice of car window

It shows up a bit more there isn't an implied break.

But I don't have a problem with that, and it wasn't why I suggested a definite/indefinite article.

As Gabi states, there is a touch of "tontoism" (taken from abrupt unnatural fake Native American speech attempts at English in the "Lone Ranger" TV series) when articles are not included in poetry or any kind of writing.

Poor Jay Silverheels, he was probably better spoken than the TV execs and yet his script made him talk so badly. At least he was shown to be wiser and more sensible than the Lone Ranger! ;-)

Alan

Reihaisha said...

Alan, thakns for the comments