Today is also ending--
at the bottom of the snowstorm
the gigantic sun




finally, I decided
not to negotiate the ice clefts
but to lounge
chez moi and occasionally
look out the window
**** ****
..Copyright 2010 Spiros Zafiris



Beatrice V said...

I like the element of surprise here, and also the sense of stasis on the one hand, and tension of the clefts on the other. Does this qualify as a tanka? It doesn't quite feel like it to me, but I still love it.

Spiros Zafiris said...

..hi Beatrice..

..(keep having trouble getting used to posting with Blogger, forgive me..just lost a response to you.hope it doesn't double post)
..anyways, pleases me you likethe poem..i've been writing tanka a while now..and i've learned that no five editors in a room will agree as to what is a "tanka", so
it doesn't surprise me when some of my tanka are not seen as 'true tanka' by some..i am using S/L/S/L/L..i deal with winter (nature)--the icy clefts--and i even draw a sort of personal cvonclusion which is inspired by the icy clefts..i don't know, for these reasons, alone, it most certainly is a tanka..i wish you would tell the reasons you see for it not being a tanka..please do not
interpret this as a confrontational
request..i really like is very inspirational here..thanks much..spiros

Spiros Zafiris said...

..hello Beatrice..

..i'm appears that i miscounted the syllables..and what
i have, above, are 32..what i can do is to replace "decided" with 'decide' and it remains
grammatically correct, i think:

finally, I decide....
..or, even, i can make it: opted
-finally, I opted..

..thanks very much, Beatrice..spiros

Beatrice V said...

Hi Spiros, I am no expert by any means! Syllable count need not be rigid, things change, we are writing in another language, another time. My personal aim is the 'essence' and style. Traditional Japanese poetry has a certain way of expression, and here it feels different, but as I said, only a personal opinion.
I just love the whole image though.

Alan Summers said...

I agree with Beatrice, don't worry about the syllable count.

Contemporary Japanese tanka poets occasionally write tanka as short as haiku.

Just use the syllable count as a rough guide only. The tanka you've written is fine, and for once I prefer a past tense feel to the decision with the word choice "decided

all my best,

With Words

Kelly M. said...

I've just come in on this discussion and found it most enlightening (I'm a novice). Is there some way to have a sub-section for these types of brief chats on the blog? Just a thought . . .

Spiros Zafiris said...

..thanks Beatrice, Alan, and Kelly.

..much appreciate the comments..Beatrice,i'll dwell on what you have said..perhaps it is
my Montreal-Greekness that makes
my tanka and haiku less oriental
..very interesting..thanks again

..and Alan, too, i appreciate your
words but i don't know about very short tanka.they would have to be very lyric and must effectively convey the message to truly work..
and that is almost rare..

..anyways, please accept my gratitute..i am thankful for the comments..spiros

Spiros Zafiris said...

..Beatrice..>>i've revisited this
poem, all this time later, and the reason (i've now decided) that it
doesn't strike you as a tanka is because it is a kyoka..i've been involved in kyoka, the past year or so..and this poem i, now, consider to be a mild kyoka--very
subtle, wry humor--(at least, i hope others will agree)..>>spiros