I like the element of surprise here, and also the sense of stasis on the one hand, and tension of the clefts on the other. Does this qualify as a tanka? It doesn't quite feel like it to me, but I still love it.
..hi Beatrice....(keep having trouble getting used to posting with Blogger, forgive me..just lost a response to you.hope it doesn't double post)..anyways, pleases me you likethe poem..i've been writing tanka a while now..and i've learned that no five editors in a room will agree as to what is a "tanka", so it doesn't surprise me when some of my tanka are not seen as 'true tanka' by some..i am using S/L/S/L/L..i deal with winter (nature)--the icy clefts--and i even draw a sort of personal cvonclusion which is inspired by the icy clefts..i don't know, for these reasons, alone, it most certainly is a tanka..i wish you would tell the reasons you see for it not being a tanka..please do notinterpret this as a confrontationalrequest..i really like Winter..it is very inspirational here..thanks much..spiros-------------
..hello Beatrice....i'm back..it appears that i miscounted the syllables..and whati have, above, are 32..what i can do is to replace "decided" with 'decide' and it remainsgrammatically correct, i think:finally, I decide......or, even, i can make it: opted-finally, I opted....thanks very much, Beatrice..spiros-------------------
Hi Spiros, I am no expert by any means! Syllable count need not be rigid, things change, we are writing in another language, another time. My personal aim is the 'essence' and style. Traditional Japanese poetry has a certain way of expression, and here it feels different, but as I said, only a personal opinion. I just love the whole image though.
I agree with Beatrice, don't worry about the syllable count.Contemporary Japanese tanka poets occasionally write tanka as short as haiku.Just use the syllable count as a rough guide only. The tanka you've written is fine, and for once I prefer a past tense feel to the decision with the word choice "decidedall my best,AlanWith Words.
I've just come in on this discussion and found it most enlightening (I'm a novice). Is there some way to have a sub-section for these types of brief chats on the blog? Just a thought . . .
..thanks Beatrice, Alan, and Kelly...much appreciate the comments..Beatrice,i'll dwell on what you have said..perhaps it ismy Montreal-Greekness that makesmy tanka and haiku less oriental..very interesting..thanks again..and Alan, too, i appreciate yourwords but i don't know about very short tanka.they would have to be very lyric and must effectively convey the message to truly work..and that is almost rare....anyways, please accept my gratitute..i am thankful for the comments..spiros--------------------------------------------
..Beatrice..>>i've revisited this poem, all this time later, and the reason (i've now decided) that itdoesn't strike you as a tanka is because it is a kyoka..i've been involved in kyoka, the past year or so..and this poem i, now, consider to be a mild kyoka--verysubtle, wry humor--(at least, i hope others will agree)..>>spiros
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